Do I need to rename this blog?

So I've been somewhat officially informed that I should be shooting for about 235 instead of 200. So I suppose this should be 158 at 5420.

I do have to say, 158 sounds so much better than 193. Or, with my last weigh in being 365, that would make it 130, yes? It definitely sounds less intimidating than 393.

I'm not sure how easy it would be to change the name, so I'll stick with with the current name. But going forward, the blog will be taking a different direction. It's still going to be reflections and bits about my journey and getting rid of the weight, but... it will be different.

At my last physical my doctor just pointed out that I've done all this up and down for so many years. She pointed out all the other things related to it, now including diabetes, sleep apnea and arthritis and said maybe it's time to consider surgery.

This is not something that I take lightly. I've always looked at surgery as taking the easy way out, that it's a sort of admission of failure. But the part that maybe got through to me was finding out what the actual success rates are for someone in my position - pretty much zero percent. Yes, people lose weight all the time through diet and exercise. The number of people that actually keep off the weight in significant numbers for very long, no matter what diet or program, is extremely low. Like close to zero percent.

It's like you hit a point of no return or something. There's something reassuring in that, to find out that in some ways there's something normal.

I've finally come to a point where I realize it's not a copout to do the surgery. As one doctor explained it, it sort of levels the playing field so that diet and exercise actually can have the affect that they do for other people. It's a pretty major change, but one I can now accept.

I'm still probably a couple months or so out from having a surgery date set, just depending on insurance and all. I'll be getting lapband surgery, which places a band around the upper part of the stomach. The way it works is that as you eat, the band makes it so your food is kept in the upper part of your stomach, and so you get the full sensation early on. It's different than something like the gastric bypass that actually alters your stomach. The band is adjustable, where you can increase or decrease the restriction, and can also easily be removed if need be.

So that's the direction the blog will take -- yes, diet and exercise are still very key, but this will be something to track the journey as I go forward, prepare for the surgery, and what goes on afterwards.

It's scary, and exciting.

So hopefully I start doing better than these current montly posts eh?

Catching up, again

So I get into this pattern. I post something once a month. When I post it I apologize for how long it's been since I posted. And then I'm sure I'll get better. But... truth is it's pretty much the same stuff. So for now I'll just say I'll post again when I post again.

Not that that really makes a lot of difference -- I mean I'm all apologetic about taking so long to post but really, who am I apologizing to? I've posted so little lately that I doubt anyone's reading this at all, if they ever did, so.... if a tree falls in the forest but there's no one there for it to apologize to.....

So anyway, I have to give thanks to my old college friend Lance, who told me about wowfm.com. It's an online radio station playing Christian music, but it's different cuz it's the OLD stuff. Stonehill, Norman, 2nd Chapter of Acts, DeGarmo & Key, Sweet Comfort Band... talk about memory lane! All the stuff that my friends and I used to play back in college.

And if I may be so honest... most of this stuff wasn't really all that great. But I think I figured that out long ago, but the truth is, I'm loving listening to all this stuff.

Okay, so going back to my D-word post of a little while back (though only a couple posts back)... my doctor has made it official and given me the D-word diagnosis. She's not prescribing any medicine yet or anything, it's a a level that she thinks it can be controlled by diet and exercise.

I've done alright lately. Not great, but not bad either, other than the occaisional trip to get the 2 cherry pies for a buck at McDonalds. I haven't gotten back into a regular walk regimen or a regular bike ride, but i'm doing one or the other frequently enough to be doing okay. My knee is definitely feeling much better, though it still stiffens. My most recent weigh in was at 365, so there's some slight progress -- about 8 pounds in about 2 months time or so.

It's an interesting thing to come to discover you're not as healthy as you thought you were. I think I've talked about this, but I think for so long I felt like okay I was a few pounds heavier but otherwise healthy. And while yeah, I could be a lot worse off... it does make a guy think.

And oh, while I said some of that old stuff wasn't all that great, there were some REALLY good songs from the day. They're playing an old Kerry Livgren song..... forgot how good it was!

So anyway, in light of everything... I guess at this point I'll just say it will be interesting to see how I respond eh? I mean I find myself ready to say okay, I'm all inspired, I've got my wake up call and I'm gonna be awesome from here on out... but sometimes I think that's a lot like how I am with posting on this blog -- it's easy to have good intentions. But right now I think it's better to just let it be what it will be and see how it goes.

I pray though that all this actually does make a difference.

Ecclesiastes and dieting

Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless.

Encouraging words to start a post, eh?

But that's the kind of thing it's tempting to say about dieting and weight loss stuff after reading some of the information I've received lately.

Basically what it comes down to is that studies have shown that among those with a 40 BMI or higher that it doesn't really matter what kind of diet you choose or even how successful you will be, there is almost a hundred percent chance you will gain it all back within 5 years. 'That's pretty sobering.

The news isn't a whole lot better taking an exercise approach. You can have success for a short while but then statistically you're going to gain it back.

Now reading around after hearing all that, i've seen some things written to dispute those findings. But even the ones I read show that even where there's success keeping weight off, there is still a tendency to gain back 80% of the pounds that were lost. And those studies basically took a wider group of people that are losing weight and include those who are not in the morbidly obese range such as myself. And in those studies, the average weight lost over 5 years? 6. Pounds.

Sorry, I mean yeah, every little bit may be good, but... a pound a year? Not enough.

Kinda makes you want to chime right in with the writer of Ecclesiastes. Meaningless, meaningless.

Now, that said, it's NOT meaningless. Actually I find something somewhat encouraging in it all.

First of all, trying to live healthy and get into healthier patterns of living is never meaningless. Even if you do end up getting off track, it doesn't mean that what we're doing right now is in vain. I lost 40 pounds since starting this blog. I gained 20 back. I've lost 5 of those since then. Yeah, it's a yo yo but I'm better off now than I was 25 pounds ago. Even if I end up gaining those pounds back, I'm better off now. I'm riding my bike more and more, and that's a good thing. Maybe someday that won't continue but at least I'm making myself healthier for now.

But the other part of it is that knowing that ends up taking a bit of stress off, you know? If you have been or are as much overweight as I am, you know what I'm talking about. It's that heavy chain of guilt that goes with the weight... if i'd have just eaten differently, if i'd have gotten out and exercised more... it would all be so different. Those who don't struggle with weight say it's very simple, just don't eat so much. We hear that and take it to heart and we think we're so terrible for being where we are. And then we go, we lose some of that weight, we feel great, but then something happens somewhere, we lose the momentum, it comes back, and we think we're failures.

But here's the truth... we're statistically normal. Incredibly normal. No, maybe not normal being where we are -- but for those of us who have gotten to this point, who have crossed some kind of line and gotten to this extreme level of being overweight, very, very few people ever take it off by diet and exercise and keep it off. It's extremely rare for it to happen.

No, that doesn't mean quit trying. The stakes are too high. The truth is that we know amazingly little about why some of us get to this point and others don't. We know that yeah, it's a matter of diet and exercise and skinny people don't have the trouble we have keeping it up. But there are things that go on inside us, some psychological, some physiological, that skinny people have no idea what it's like. Hell, we don't even understand it ourselves. But it's there and it's more powerful than anyone who doesn't deal with it can even begin to understand.

If it's simply a matter of "if I had better will power I'd lose it and keep it off" then there would be a pretty reasonable percentage of real long term success. It wouldn't be at nearly 0%.

Again, that doesn't mean give up. It's not meaningless. Everything we can do today to make it better does exactly that, makes it better. It buys us some more time, keeps away the real serious stuff that much longer, and keeps us plugging along until we find that breakthrough. For some the breakthrough is surgical... for others there may be something else, I don't know... I have to believe that somewhere along the line we're going to discover something that's going to help us discover what exactly that bondage really is about and no, it won't solve everything, but... somewhere along the line something really does work.

It's not all meaningless, even though it may look it. Just keep hanging on....

It's all in the shoes

I've lived my life on $40 shoes. Or cheaper. And yet I should know better.

I finally decided to invest in good walking shoes. In the process I even bought some socks at $12 per pair.

It's amazing the difference shoes can make.

This is nothing new. Years ago I stopped by a shoestore that someone I knew owned. It turned out his son was now running the place, and I figured I needed some new dress shoes and decided to try on a pair. It was comfortable, I said I'll take em... okay, not a wise thing to do when you haven't checked the price first. Total cost was $210. I think i had $215 in my wallet, not exactly planning to spend the full amount on shoes - but I was too proud or too foolish (or both) to back down and plucked down the money.

Best. Shoes. Ever. They were so amazingly comfortable. It turns out this guy's store specialized in orthopedic shoes and these shoes were very big in support. I was amazed how good I felt wearing these shoes. And they looked good too.

Since then I've at least focused on buying better shoes at least for work but have still skimped on the athletic shoes. So I don't know, maybe the whole thing of running last November or so and messing my knees up finally taught me a lesson.

All I know is, I did a total of 4 miles walking yesterday between walking to the bus station, doing some extra walking and such, and I'm amazed at how little stiffness I ended up having in my knee. My wife has commented in the past how I still pretty noticably favor my left leg when I walk even as the knee has been feeling better, but it seems like the first thing I noticed after getting these shoes is how much less it feels like I'm favoring it. But the biggest test is how I'm feeling the next day, and... waking up today I wasn't hobbling first thing in the morning like I have been... and that feels pretty good.

There are places to skimp.... shoes is not one of them.

Unspoken

That is a word that's been a big part of my life.

I know, seems an odd thing to say about someone who's now sitting at his computer blathering on about this, that and the other thing and leaving it there for the world to see.

But when all is said and done, that word says a lot. It speaks of a life of not being willing to take a chance at my flaws and errors being seen. Unspoken is safe. Unspoken is protection.

Unspoken is exactly the opposite of all of that.

I don't know if unspoken is as big a part of life for everyone else. Maybe? Possibly more than I realize. All I can do right now though is speak for myself. I have those times in my life that I look at and think should be unspoken, never to be mentioned again. Times where I thought that I knew what I wanted, not thinking about how that which I wanted had to be unspoken. And if it could not be spoken, it it had to be guarded so much, what could it really be for me?

The amazing thing is, time and time again when I let go of the unspoken, when I release what I so stubbornly hang on to, when I quit being so focused on what it is I'm trying to protect or what I think is the be all and end all, when I finally surrender, when I quit living in fear of the unspoken... when I let myself be vulnerable, God always comes through and lets me have far beyond what I ever could have hoped for.

Sometimes, it's big things. Sometimes it's little things. But every time, when I can finally let go, he shows me there's so much more out there.

His timing is pretty amazing at times.

And this isn't really going where it seems it might be going, more that these are thoughts that come from events of the past few days, and it's just gone over and over through my head. And then that one word came up and it summed it all up, and this light went off, and here I go.

Unspoken.

It all comes from my physical that was this week.

There's always been a hesitance to going in for a physical. There were times where I would absolutely not let myself even consider it. In reality it hasn't been all that long since I've had one. But I always wanted to make sure it was at the right time, maybe at a time when I had some things under control. A time when I've been good at keeping diet under control and such.

See, when you get to my kind of weight, there's always the unspoken.

Here's the deal with me: So much of my life as an overweight person has been about denial. Not really denial about my size, I always knew and accepted, sometimes embraced, that I was big. I started gaining my weight in college and soon after. I never really stressed about it -- I didn't like it but I still knew I was healthy. My blood pressure was good. My cholesterol was good. I was fine. So fine that it wasn't until well into my 30's that I ever even thought about making any kind of real effort to lose weight. I was in denial about any concept that health and weight were related.

When I finally started thinking about and then attempting weight loss, and started reading up and learning things about what's involved with it all, I started to get some head knowledge about things -- things that were really tied to the real dangers of weight and to where I am.

And that began a journey with a big unspoken.

Deep down, I knew what the potential was for something major. But again, that D-word. Denial. If it remained unspoken, unthought about, then it wasn't there.

Stubbornly I hung on to this idea that I'm really okay.

I don't know what started the change. Maybe it was the beginning of this journey. Maybe the success for awhile, maybe even more the set back of gaining back some of what was lost.

That's been my journey really, hasn't it? Up and down. Enough down that I always knew I could tackle it. Enough successes to think I could always conquer it. Maybe part of the denial came from my first year of college -- I gained quite a few pounds my freshman year in college. I was actually underweight going in, but I would guess i was probably 20 pounds overweight by the end of the year. (Today I'd kill to be 20 pounds overweight) That summer, I worked a lot and lost the weight effortlessly. And I think I always thought I could do it again.

Several years ago, I lost 40-50 pounds pretty easily. And so what if I gained it back? I knew I could do it again. Then I lost 86. Incredible! And even when it came back on, I knew that with some dedication and hard work it would be gone again. And so the story goes. And even now, going back through all I've written, I see the same thing, this idea that no problem, it's all good, I just have to buckle down and focus and get back on track and all will be okay.

And that big unspoken hangs out there.

After the run attempt last year where my knee started acting up, I think I started just noticing little things. I'm sure a lot of it came from the realization that my knee is part of my body crying out ënough!" The way my doctor put it, that every step is asking that knee to hold nearly 400 pounds and it just can't keep doing it.

Anyway, getting back to avoiding physicals. The main reason of avoidance is that I knew the role that blood sugar plays with weight, especially with me. The signs are just there. And honestly, I didn't want to see a doctor because I didn't want that inevitable diagnosis. That D-word. And I don't just mean Denial.

The unspoken.

But I don't know, there's something different that has come of the past couple months. Maybe it's the limping around, or being tired of being tired. It was actually last year that the appointment was made for my physical, and I remember being a little perturbed that it had to be such a long time before I could get in.

But this is where God works. Little things here and there. An openness to getting serious about changing. And maybe finally accepting whatever it is.

And being able to speak the unspoken. This time... the unspoken being that D-word. No, that hasn't been a diagnosis, though I went in with, for the first time, an acceptance that I was in all likelihood pre-diabetic. And I know my blood work has come back "consistent with Diabetes." So maybe that IS a diagnosis... and maybe there is still a denial of sorts if I'm not ready to say it's a diagnosis.

But this gets me back to all the other unspokens of the past.

My kids recently had this big kick of watching Harry Potter movies, and I was reading while it was on when I heard people mention the villain as someone who's name is not spoken. I remember being caught by something that was said in response -- that not speaking the name only gives it more power.

Isn't that the truth of Unspoken?

I look at the unspokens of my life. And it's the unspoken nature of it all that gives it power. And yet we strangely hang on for dear life. And then we let go, and live.

And so I learn with this. Maybe if I can let go of my stubborness. Of my denial. Quit hanging on to what I think I need to do and quit avoiding those things, people, ideas, solutions (and work) that are out there.

Let go of the unspoken. Take the power back.

That's where the answer lies.

Back on track with some help maybe?

I got a note from my son who noticed the mapmyrun settings on my facebook page. Of course, he's got to boast a bit about running 3 miles a day now and so I better be keeping up on my running or he's going to pass me pretty quick.

Of course there's been no running for me, at least not since my little attempt back in November which I'm still paying for. But... I sent him a note back that said well, no running, but I am starting to get back into walking again. In fact, to simplify things around here lately I've been utilizing public transportation to get out to my job, including walking to the bus stops and such, but now with the weather starting to warm up, I plan to start riding my bike to work on a regular basis.

One thing I love about Denver, they really are set up nicely for people getting around without using a car. The transportation system is good, the trail system is great. And the two go great together. Buses have bike racks, you can take your bike on to the light rail, so you can do a combination if you need. The other day I was able to drop the car off with my stepson so he could use it, ride my bike over to the light rail, take it on the light rail to get closer to work, ride my bike the rest of the way to work. That night it was too cold for riding (or that was my excuse) so I could just use the bike rack on the bus... it really makes a great combination and gives me a chance to start getting more active again.

My knee still stiffens up at times, something that seems to come and go. I have my annual physical today and I'm sure that will be addressed... it's been 3 months that it still stiffens up so it's time to find out if it's just a matter of time, if there's something else that needs to be done.

Okay, I know already the first answer is... lose weight.

Ahh, that brings me back to where I was starting out by talking with Josh, my son. I said okay, so I do need to start losing weight and ramping up the exercise again, and asked if he wanted to help keep me accountable.

I hope he does. It'd be fun to keep up on each other at different parts of the world. He in Korea, me here in Denver... maybe a good chance to get back on track here.

the accidental exercisist

This week begins a week of unintentional exercise. A lot of climbing up and down ladders, walking back and forth ad-infinitum for a work project. Since I'm being paid decently for it I won't complain and overall it should be a good thing for me.

At least as long as I don't fall off any ladders.

Times like this my work can involve pulling cables for phones and computers. It hasn't quite been 2 years ago when pulling cables for some new offices a company was building upstairs when I nearly busted through the floor. Some of the decking that was on the floor was kind of old and rotted, something I discovered as one foot punched through -- I was quite happy about the fact that the rest of me didn't follow, but it was scary enough. I think that was when I figured out that I really didn't want to spend much more of my life up on ladders and such. I'm getting too old for this stuff.

But then, when the opportunity comes along to get paid well enough for doing it for several days... I can overlook that. And if I can get the other guys on the project up on ladders more of the time... that's okay too.

The good news is the bad news is the good news

Okay, so I have good news and bad news

The good news is we finally replaced the scale that was flooded out.

The bad news is we finally replaced the scale that was flooded out.

373. I've gained a total of 20 pounds since I got down to my low of 353. Ouch.

I guess whether something is good news or bad news often depends on how you choose to look at it. Yeah, it's kinda bad news because it told me I gained more weight back than I thought, I thought maybe 10, 15 at the most. So yeah, getting the scale is bad news.

Or... is it good? What I mean is I'm no longer oblivious. I'm seeing that and thinking, maybe this is the kick in the butt I need to get back on track?

In the end it's up to me whether to make it good or bad.

I can look at the weight and decide that the 20 is bad news. Or I can look at it and say yeah, but for the year I've lost 20 pounds, so there's good news in that.

In the end it's up to me how to approach that. It's what I do with it that makes the difference. I choose to look at the 20 lost as good news, but at the same time not to ignore the other 20 that was lost and then regained. I think I need a healthy balance of the 2... the encouragement of the 20 lost overall, but the wakeup call of the bad.

And if the 20 lost gets me back on track... that's good news.

It's been a good year

I think when you look back, whether or not a year has been a good one depends a lot on how you choose to look at it.

I can choose to look at the economy, how some of the year has been a struggle financially, or look at how much i've lost momentum from when I started this blog earlier this year.

Or, I can choose to look at all that has been good, and that's what I've determined to look at. And no, it's not just this somewhat phony thing where I say it's been a good year and therefore it must have been. Not sure if that makes any sense, but what I mean is, sometimes we grin through our teeth and say hey, everything's good just for the sake of saying it when you don't really feel it. But for me, when I look at 2009, in my heart it just feels like... it's been a good year.

It's been a full year to spend with my wife, and that has been a fantastic thing. Her spirit, her support, her encouragement, her friendship have been everything to me. Our relationship was a real whirlwind where we only knew each other a few months by the time we were married, but it was one of those things where we just knew that this is what God had for us. And this past year has just made that more real.

It's been a healthier year than I've had for many years. Even if I didn't keep up the momentum and have been on a long plateau as far as the weight loss, I still ended up substantially lighter at the end of the year than at the beginning, and that's always a good thing. Okay, I don't know exactly where I ended up, i haven't weighed in a long time, but I know still it's 30 or 40 pounds lighter than the start of the year.

It's been a year to embark on some dreams. I started my own business finally. It has been a slow go and sometimes I struggle with that, and yet... it's still a go. I've shifted some focus for a bit, taking on subcontract jobs here and there doing work for other companies as a way to bring in more steady income, but that's allowed me to keep the dream of Barnabas Communications going. I look forward to a great year in that.

It's been a year that's been good for family. I know anyone I talk to that hears about our blended family says we have to be insane. And the blending will always be an ongoing process, but I look at my own kids and they're happy. They have a good life and while yeah, it's a bit crowded, it's a good thing.

It's been a year of watching my son grow incredibly. He started the year in basic training and now is a full fledged soldier stationed in Korea. I miss him, but I'm incredibly proud of him. He's grown into a good man.

It's been a year of returning faith. For too long I think I let my faith take a back seat. I always felt I had it, and to some degree I did, but... it didn't have the center of importance to me it used to have. I can't say it necessarily does even now, at least in comparison to where I know it has been at times in my life, but... it's getting back there.

It's been a good year. 2010, I believe, will be even better. I can't wait.

And if there happens to be anyone at all reading... I sincerely hope it's a great one for you as well.

And another month passes

I watch the snow falling out the window as I type this, the kids are definitely getting a white Christmas.

A lot of time has passed, not an awful lot has happened. Other than learning by experience that lesson of not trying to overdo it at all. Ever since trying that dumb little jogging exercise I've not gone on any real long walks at all. Maybe a mile somewhere along the line. Maybe.

I think I've mentioned how my knees were giving me trouble a few years back, and wondered if I was headed for the same thing. I don't know if it's been the same or not, and fortunately it's been only my left knee. The odd thing is it really only hurting when it's been bent like when I'm sitting. If it's laid out it feels fine. I can remember back now to them hurting more if I've been sitting for awhile, so maybe it's a similar thing? What's funny is after I stand and have the knee straightened out for awhile it hardly bothers me at all. So right now, I just appreciate the fact it's slowly getting better.

Now, diet wise tehre's good news and bad news. The bad news is I'm not sticking to anything much of a real plan lately. While not really overdoing it anywhere, I'm not avoiding any bad foods at this time. But the good news is, as of todaqy I'm 8 days without soda. To me, that's a pretty big deal. Not even sure why I quit -- no real moment of truth kinda things happened, I just decided to quit... I definitely feel a difference in just that alone. The last time I did that, it wasn't long later until I began my most successful dieting ever.

Would be nice to repeat history eh?

Not sure how many months it will be til i'm back on (i like to think it would be days rather than months, but considering my track record....) but to the 2 or 3 of you who may still read this, have a great Christmas. All in all it's been a great year, I hope it has been for everyone else as well...

Help me in my unbelief

2 nights ago I got the news that John Green, a college classmate, was found to have died in his home of carbon monoxide poisining. His wife Cheryl, also a classmate, was in critical condition but I understand she's made a strong recovery.

John and Cheryl have had a tremendous impact on a lot of lives. Even in college, their example and faith made a huge difference to so many people. John was the minister for many many years at the Christian Church in Clay Center Nebraska. Over the years I'd run into people who knew John and Cheryl through their ministry, and all I can say is that it's a tremendous loss for the church and the community. You could get a sense of the kind of person he was from the report that KHAS TV had on him. http://new.khastv.com/videoplaylist.php?playid=19161

I sat, very heavy hearted and stunned. All I could think about was how sad it was for John. In fact I almost started this off calling it sad news.

And then I stop myself and think... why does this leave me so heavy hearted? When I get right down to it I know I find myself feeling sad for John, and yet... the truth of the matter is he's got it an awful lot better right now than any of us. He's in a pretty awesome place and I know for sure he's not feeling too terrible at all about where he is. I do feel bad for Cheryl, I can't begin to imagine waking up and learning that the man she's been married to all these years is gone. They have 2 kids and a huge family known as the church there. And for all of them, I do feel terrible.

But I know that if I'm honest, deep down I know it's John I have been feeling bad for and that it's a very hard feeling to shake.

I then rationalize it all away by saying when we feel bad like this it's for our own loss. And maybe that would be true if I saw John on a regular basis. I always considered him a friend in college (how could you not? he was just that kind of guy) but since then I've only seen him in passing a few times. I have no plans of seeing him anytime soon. I hope this doesn't sound bad to say it, but there's not really a true personal loss here. That really probably isn't the best way to say things, but what I'm getting at is that there's not an ongoing relationship now and so if it's not been there it really isn't a loss from that side of things.

And so when I shake it down to its core, if I'm being honest, I feel sorrow for his sake. And it's that feeling that leaves me wondering about my own faith.

It's a strange mix of thoughts here. I can't find even a bit of a question in my mind about where John is at this moment. From the time I've known him it has been obvious that here's a guy who has lived out of his faith. I know... I just know... without question or doubt... that his faith has him in a wonderful place, finally getting to enjoy being with the same Jesus he has followed and preached about and walked with for all these years. It can't get any better than that.

But I guess that's the mix of thoughts. Because when I know that, and in my heart I celebrate that, but then I'm feeling sad for him, then it leaves me wondering just how much I really believe it. In the end I think I find myself maybe discovering that while I know in my mind there's a great amount of assurance and belief, but some of the sadness I feel makes me wonder if that faith isn't as much in the heart as it could be? I don't know that this is me knocking myself as maybe understanding a bit more about my own faith, and how there's still a huge amount of room to grow in it.

And I look forward to growing to the point where news like this doesn't trigger an instant sadness for someone but instead brings about an instant celebration for their sake.

It's at this time I think I really appreciate the honesty of a father who came across Jesus and had said "If you can do anything." Jesus called him on that "if" and I love what the father came back with, because I think it so greatly fits in with where I am right now. Maybe where a lot of us are?

"I do believe. Help me in my unbelief"

What am I, nuts???

Okay, so yes, it's been a couple weeks again since posting. Nothing new here, is there? Not that this is a shock or anything. Actually, some consistant posting would be the real shocker, wouldn't it? At least this time I can say I've just been stinking busy. Which is a good thing. Maybe. I think.

Since income in the self employed world can be very hit or miss, and in this economy sometimes I think too much miss and not enough hit, it really got to where I figured okay, I do need to get some form of regular income. So I've taken a job in the tech support call center over at Dish Networks... kind of a cool place really, and it makes a good combo of my enjoyment of all things technical and just that social aspect (even if it is talking to ticked off customers who can't get their remote to work on the night of the big game). It's enough to at least make sure the bills are paid on the slow months.

But this is Murphy's law in action. The very moment I start doing this evening job, I start getting slammed with work. Now it's all subcontract work for other companies, but that has its advantages as well. Yesterday though came this realization that I have to start setting some boundaries here. It starts with having to run out at 6:30 AM for an urgent early morning call to get there by 7. From there another call that ended up taking the rest of the day. Then off to work my night job right from that job.. finally getting home and realizing that i've been on such a dead run the past few days and with today looking booked solid as well, I needed to get some invoices out and take care of some things. Considering that my main computer has been DOA since crashing last week (note to self -- no more letting teenagers use the computer -- viruses come along happily when you do) there was some extra work to transfer my backed up financial files to this puter... and by the time I'm sending out the invoices it's 2 AM. Okay, so that adds up to working 25 out of the previous 31 hours.

When I get paid for it all, that will be a very nice thing... but there's a point where I have to say enough. So I was not too terribly disappointed when what was going to be a day long job had to be re-scheduled as a result of some equipment not being there. And I did end up turning down another job for today just because I needed to catch up on living. Not to mention a nap. I'm deeply looking forward to leaving in a little while, picking my kids up from school, spending some time with them, cooking supper for them and getting a wee bit of time with my wife before going back to work.

That said... I'll admit that right now being crazy busy is still a much better feeling than business being very slow and living on beans and rice, rice and beans.

Exercise in a different manner

I had figured on settling into a good walking routine when of course there was a nice big snowstorm here in Denver. We figure a good 16 inches. Of course this puts a crimp in the whole exercise routine, right?

Well in case I was of the mind to wimp out, we wake up Thursday morning to several inches of water throughout the basement. Actually nothing to do with the snow, surprisingly enough, but instead thanks to a nice little root in the sewer pipe and a toilet that decided to run for we're guessing at least an hour after being flushed, lots of water backed up through the floor drain. The water restoration company that came out pumped about 450 gallons of water out of the basement, and now we get the pleasure of 10 big fans blowing air against the drywall throughout the basement.

Because it's considered black water since it came through the sewer pipes (though fortunately very clean looking water) we were advised to get as much out of the basement as possible. So rather than a nice 2 mile walk somewhere, substitute that for dozens of trips up and down the stairs hauling stuff to the garage or patio. Fortunately not a lot of stuff is ruined or anything, though now we're just in wait and see mode to see what the insurance adjuster says, and whether they think they dried things out well enough to avoid future mold problems or if they need to cut out some drywall and dry things off. I have a feeling there's a lot more trips up and down the steps in the near future....

Thinking I'd rather go walking.

Wondering some things

Okay, so.... I got out a couple days ago and did day 1 of the training -- thought I'd follow the Couch to 5k plan that's out there a lot. And now.... let's just say my knees aren't happy with me.

It's not anything terrible. There's a very definite stiffness and soreness but it's not a debilitating can't walk kind of thing. But after 20 minutes (plus 5 minutes on each side of walking to warm up and cool down) I did shifts of 60 seconds running followed by 90 seconds walking. I felt okay, but it did feel like a lot of jolting around. And actually it didn't feel too bad until the next day.

So the questions come to mind here...

Was it too much? Just from my standpoint of no running at all, was that too much too quick? That's not all that much.

Am I just too heavy to even be thinking about this at this point? It's a lot of weight shifting around on these poor joints and a fair bit of impact.

Was it maybe the shoes? I wondered when I went out (so you'd think, duh! listen to yourself dummy) about the shoes I was wearing because they were a little older and maybe not the most even. I've noticed walking on old worn shoes can have an affect, so running could too.

Am I better off running? Or walking?

Truth be told, the pace I made with the run walk was not really any quicker than some of the walk paces I've done in the past.

Would I be better off just working on a brisk walk, say setting a goal of 15 minute miles?

Or, is it just normal stiffness and soreness setting in that happens when you haven't been running much at all as in my case?

I find myself very torn right now. There's this part of me that thinks... it's just me finding a reason to cop out right away when my body complains afterwards. The other part says yeah but you don't want the kind of knee problems you had a couple years ago, why take a chance? So that first part of me counters that yeah, but maybe give it a chance again by doing one more session but wear the newer shoes and see how it feels. And that other part says I don't want to take a chance right now. Part A calls Part B a whiner, and Part C (the part that is typing) is seriously worried about being schizo.

I am going to target a 5k, but I do think that for now I'm backing down. Part B wins, don't take a chance. A 15 minute mile walk pace is pretty good exercise too, especially for 5k. And 10k isn't at all out of reach.

Or I could do the really, really gradual thing. start with a .1 k, bump it up .1k each week, and in a year I'm up to 5k.

By tomorrow I'll probably have totally rethought the whole thing and who knows, maybe by then I'll be talking myself into marathon training.

Ready to try 5K?

My daughter's school had a fundraising event yesterday, a 5K run/walk at a nearby park. Basically the whole student body as well as any other family that wishes to participate. I figured I had the time, so... why not eh? My wife started out at the front of the pack, decided to run a good share of it and did it in 41 minutes. Me, just more of a casual walk, and I was in the very back which slowed things, but still ended up at 55:43 which was alright. I know I could do less than 50 minutes if I gave it a good brisk pace the whole way.

But it was kind of funny because the day before, I did a walk around Washington Park, a bit more than 2 and a half miles, and all along I had been thinking, maybe it's time to start training for being able to run a 5k. Nice thing about a long walk like that is you get time to think. So it was like okay, I could start off doing a couple good walks more to just set a pace of sorts, and then start doing some run/walk things to work up. At that time I'd forgotten all about yesterday's event. So anyway, Emily gets home and hands me a shirt -- and I'm like this won't fit so she smiles and says something about motivation. Brat.

The funny thing is though that yesterday when it's all over with, there were enough of the kids who looked pretty wiped out (who also had just walked) and I'm feeling just fine... to the point where I'm thinking okay, if it's this easy, maybe I'm really ready?

And see, for me, that's a huge change in thinking from just a couple years ago. Granted, right around Christmas 2 years ago I started thinking in terms of working up to a 5k run, but I know there were just huge doubts. I'd been at this point where just running a few steps seemed all but impossible. The thought of ever running again just seemed impossible.

Now, I haven't lost any more weight since writing. In fact right now I'm sitting probably 10 pounds up from the lowest I'd gotten to. (Which leads me to the question, if I gain pounds and lose them again, do I get to count them twice?) But I've managed to keep walking at least somewhat regularly, and the part that's been striking is that there are times here and there where it starts feeling natural to break into a little bit of a jog. It's still not a very pretty sight I'm sure and my running form is probably nothing too great at all (far from it) but... it feels like jogging now. See, going back to when I started trying to do some running 2 years ago that was totally different -- I favored the one knee so terribly that it was just terribly awkward and not very natural feeling. And it really had to be forced. Now, I can do it and feel pretty good and feel like it's somewhat normal. Like I said, it's a far, far cry from where I'd like to be but it's feeling really possible now.

One of the things that's nice about the thought too is... maybe catching up a bit with Janice. Here she's gone out and done these half marathons, and here's me shuffling along... Frankly I don't think a half marathon would be un-doable if I'm walking it. But I know when we go out walking she's more prone to want to jog and I find myself envying her some on it and so now I'm like, okay, why just be envious, why not actually do something?

So... here goes. The trick now is to find a 5K in January around here -- okay, that's not much of a trick at all because there are 5k runs all the time around here, this town's 5k crazy... last night when I was picking up the kids from school a ton of people were making their way to Wash Park with running gear and costumes, some Halloween 5k I'm guessing as there were all the usual tents and stands and such -- it seems like there's always something like that.

And hey, maybe it gets me blogging more? After all, there's that progress. And what's cool about the school event is, I have an actual benchmark to compare to.